Journey of Tears - When Reality Smacked Me in the Face

Do you ever just stop, reflect on your life - where you're at, at that certain moment, and think, "How in the world did I get here?" Sometimes, reality does feel like a movie. Back to my theory about my outrageous, logical and emotional sides, which only seemed brilliant until I actually typed it up and published it in a blog. Dang it. Anyways, once I made the outrageous decision to do this internship, the dates were finalized and the money grant came through, I purchased my ticket and my emotions kicked in. I became scared to death. I was scared because it was no longer just talk, but it was actually walk and there was no turning back. I was moving to the furthest part of the globe, living by myself for the first time, and participating in an internship that I knew very little about.

After about a week of being afraid, I calmed down after talking to some people and getting busy with actual preparations. Now fortunately, the reality didn't smack me in the face until I was flying. Talk about being slow...I'm blonde, what can I say? And I say fortunately because if it had smacked me beforehand, I'm not sure if I would have gone. Let me try to explain what I mean.

I literally felt myself being torn from my family and friends. It was on my connecting flight from Minneapolis to Seattle that I realized that I would be absolutely by myself. During my layover in Seattle, I thought of all the ways I could miss my flight and go back home. But, I knew it was too late. I tried calling anyone I could to say goodbye, to hear their voices one more time. My dad was the last person I spoke with; I was already on plane about to take off across the Pacific Ocean. I tried to keep my voice calm and strong, but I know he heard the tears in my voice as he reassured me and told me everything was going to be ok.

Everything didn't seem ok. I have never felt so alone in my life. I tried not to cry, but couldn't help myself. I tried not to sob and wail, so I put my hand over my mouth as to not make noise. I commanded my logical side to control my emotions, but outrageous had already won over. It was a long horrifying journey. By the time I arrived in Tokyo and had to catch another 7 hour flight to Bangkok, I was completely numb. I wasn't sure if God was flying with me to Thailand.

At some point, I remembered why I was moving. I've heard several times that women who escape abusive relationships tend to return to them, because that's all they've known for such a long time. The fear of the unknown is more difficult to live with than being in control of harsh reality. I'm not saying that my life had been harsh before, but I had been given the opportunity for an amazing experience. Thankfully, I couldn't turn back. I literally had no choice but to trust God.

But, what about the times when we do have a choice whether or not to trust God? So many times he wants to take us to the next level or completely change the direction of our lives, but we're too scared because we don't know what's going to happen. Why? Why do we not trust? I ask this question first to myself. Do we really think we can do things better? Now, that's good joke!

The more I think about this phenomena, the more it blows my mind. God is both transcendent and immanent. That means God created the world, so he's not part of his creation, but he takes an active role in the world with his creation. God, the creator of the entire universe, has a personal interest in my life, knows the plans he has for me...plans to prosper and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future. Regardless of how tough reality can smack you in the face, there's always a bigger picture, a greater plan. All you have to do is trust.