God is grace. He knows how much we can handle, how far we can be stretched and when he needs to wrap his loving arms around us.
If you’ve read my blogs below, you can definitely tell that I’ve had some tough challenges which I’ve had to surmount. These life lessons have been so hard. However, somewhere in the midst of the storm, I reached a peaceful quiet.
In mid June, after I had been in Thailand for 1.5 months, I went to a nearby beach town for a jazz festival with a friend from church. The trip was basically perfect. Our inexpensive hotel was really nice; the weather was bearable (which is synonymous for perfect in Thailand); the town was chill; and the jazz festival itself had a relaxing and soothing effect. After 6 hours of live jazz on the beach, we headed back to our hotel.
Instead of preparing for bed, I decided to go and take a swim in the pool. I floated by myself under the stars, on the opposite end of the globe from home … and I could not have been more content. Despite the challenges, loneliness and ignorance, God had given me grace and I knew that I was in the center of his love.
I’ve come to realize that everything is not supposed to be perfect and easy when we’re following God’s will. On the contrary, it’s usually difficult and nearly unbearable. However, there’s this indescribable perfect grace and love that guides and fills us amidst such circumstances.
So as I floated on my back, I told God again that he can do whatever he wants with my life, because I was confident that it would be so much better if he was in control. I understood that I had just surrendered my will and comfort, and that millions of challenges and tears were awaiting me. But I also understood that perfect gold comes out of the fire, that there’s a calm after a storm and that grace is granted amidst challenges.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I Just Want a Hug!
I’ve heard or read somewhere before that in order to be emotionally healthy, a person needs to receive a minimum of 7 significant physical touches a day: a hug, holding hands, a kiss, etc. At home, I always received an abundance of love. Hugs and kisses from family and friends were quite frequent and welcomed.
However, I never understood the importance of physical touch until I had gone without it for about a month. I began to understand and live the great despairing feeling of loneliness. I cannot even explain how much a wanted a hug from Sindy, or sit on the sofa with my parents to have my dad stroking my arm, or hold Angela’s hand, or even have Daniel slap my butt. I understood the scary great depth of being all alone.
Email, facebook, chatting and skype are all great for keeping in touch. But, it doesn’t even come close to what live human companionship means. Being with people all day at work also does not compensate for relationships.
It’s incredible how quickly God created Eve after Adam. It’s as if God knew that Adam wouldn’t be able to make it alone, or at least be completely happy. I believe that God is our true source of joy and strength. However, I am confident that God was very deliberate with how he formed the family and society – we’re born into a family and grow up surrounded by people.
Most movies and books we watch or read deal with relational needs. Think of your favorite story and it’s bound to have a friendship or romance intertwined within the main plot. There’s a reason for that. We need other people. We’re not created to be alone.
I recently met a girl in my apartment complex who’s also doing an internship here. Prior to returning to graduate school, she had spent 2 years in the Peace Corp. She was stationed in the African region and lived alone in a village for over a year. One night while we were out with a couple of other people, we got on the topic of living alone in a foreign culture. My friend said that she experienced so much loneliness when she was in Africa; she could sit next to the warmest woman in the entire village, but still feel alone. She laughed when she explained that she would play with kids and pick them up just to feel another human and hoped the children would want to play with her “white-person hair”. I’m sure what she had felt was much deeper than what I was going through, but I could empathize with the pain of being alone.
As more time passed, I learned to deal with my loneliness. First, I had to lean on God for strength and love. I talked to him and he listened, I think. Instead of texting a friend when I observed something interesting, I told God. He also got to hear my clever jokes. We have some great fun together. Also, a few acquaintances I met became my friends and I occasionally even get hugs.
I’m currently on my way to Australia to visit my cousin Vita. I’m looking forward to stepping foot and exploring yet another continent, but most of my excitement is contained in the fact that a loved one will be there and put her arms around me. On some days, I don’t simply miss my family and friends, I long for them. I do believe that once I return home, I will be perfectly happy if people dogpile on top of me.
However, I never understood the importance of physical touch until I had gone without it for about a month. I began to understand and live the great despairing feeling of loneliness. I cannot even explain how much a wanted a hug from Sindy, or sit on the sofa with my parents to have my dad stroking my arm, or hold Angela’s hand, or even have Daniel slap my butt. I understood the scary great depth of being all alone.
Email, facebook, chatting and skype are all great for keeping in touch. But, it doesn’t even come close to what live human companionship means. Being with people all day at work also does not compensate for relationships.
It’s incredible how quickly God created Eve after Adam. It’s as if God knew that Adam wouldn’t be able to make it alone, or at least be completely happy. I believe that God is our true source of joy and strength. However, I am confident that God was very deliberate with how he formed the family and society – we’re born into a family and grow up surrounded by people.
Most movies and books we watch or read deal with relational needs. Think of your favorite story and it’s bound to have a friendship or romance intertwined within the main plot. There’s a reason for that. We need other people. We’re not created to be alone.
I recently met a girl in my apartment complex who’s also doing an internship here. Prior to returning to graduate school, she had spent 2 years in the Peace Corp. She was stationed in the African region and lived alone in a village for over a year. One night while we were out with a couple of other people, we got on the topic of living alone in a foreign culture. My friend said that she experienced so much loneliness when she was in Africa; she could sit next to the warmest woman in the entire village, but still feel alone. She laughed when she explained that she would play with kids and pick them up just to feel another human and hoped the children would want to play with her “white-person hair”. I’m sure what she had felt was much deeper than what I was going through, but I could empathize with the pain of being alone.
As more time passed, I learned to deal with my loneliness. First, I had to lean on God for strength and love. I talked to him and he listened, I think. Instead of texting a friend when I observed something interesting, I told God. He also got to hear my clever jokes. We have some great fun together. Also, a few acquaintances I met became my friends and I occasionally even get hugs.
I’m currently on my way to Australia to visit my cousin Vita. I’m looking forward to stepping foot and exploring yet another continent, but most of my excitement is contained in the fact that a loved one will be there and put her arms around me. On some days, I don’t simply miss my family and friends, I long for them. I do believe that once I return home, I will be perfectly happy if people dogpile on top of me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Under House Arrest
Coming from a family of 6 kids, while growing up, I always wanted privacy and personal time. I remember the fairly recent days of sharing a bathroom with my 5 siblings. It wasn’t unusual to have at least 3 people using our small bathroom at one time, if not 4. When the gossip would get really exciting, Max was sure to run in to join the bathroom party. So, moving away to Bangkok was stimulating in this way too. I was going to live on my own for the first time. Complete privacy and independence.
As I explained in my previous blog, less than a week after my arrival, security was tightened due to the military crackdown on the red shirts protests. Thus before I even had a chance to settle down and get somewhat accustomed to a new routine, I was put under house arrest….well, sort of. The UN takes strict security measures to ensure the safety of its staff. After being evacuated, we didn’t return to work for 10 days. Out of those days, we were restricted from going out of doors only 3 or 4 days. However, because public transportation was shut down and curfew imposed, it made it impossible to go anywhere outside my immediate neighborhood on the other days.
It was a long 10 days!! I did venture out every day when I was allowed, just to get some humid, polluted Bangkok air and not completely lose my sanity. A couple of times I got lunch with another intern who lives in the same complex and I talked to my friend, who lived much closer to the conflict, on the phone everyday for a few minutes just to make sure she was alive. One major benefit was that I had plenty of time to skype with family and friends. Other than that, I was pretty much dreadful. We were supposed to be “working from home”, but I had been in the office for only 3 days before the evacuation, so I didn’t know what I was doing and needed much guidance. Besides, I’ve already explained that I’m pretty much ignorant.
It was also a time of great uncertainty. My boss, Gerry, called almost every day for a quick check-up. I understood that if the conflict escaladed anymore, then there was a good chance that I would be sent home. The problem was, was that for about 5 days no one knew what was going to happen. It didn’t get better or worse. It was very nerve-racking and I just wanted something to happen; at some point, I didn’t even care what. I just wanted to either go back to work or be sent home.
I lead an extremely busy and structured life at home; I mean, I make plans to be spontaneous! So, I found myself on completely unknown territory not because I was in Bangkok amidst a political crisis, but because I had so much free time on my hands and no responsibilities to tend to.
There are different seasons in our lives for a reason. A few days into my forced isolation, I began to question why I don’t take advantage of this time and really enjoy it. Had I really grown so accustomed to structure that I couldn’t enjoy going with the flow? Why was it so important for me to always be busy and seemingly productive? Why not take available time to read novels, listen to music (I mean really listen to music) and study the Bible (not to mention spend hours on Facebook and skype)? This was a very strange phenomenon to me, but a lesson and time in my life that I really needed.
Thankfully, God knows our limits. And I’m sure he knew that I can’t enjoy a life of solitude and pleasure for more than 10 days. So, we finally returned to work and life began to resume to normal slowly, but surely.
During this time, however, I learned 2 important lessons that are interconnected. I began to gain a new appreciation for my time, family, friends, activities, classes, and work. Simultaneously, I better understood how crucial it was to have time off and really enjoy it. The two must really balance each other out; one without the other will ultimately result in a meaningless life. We must strive to serve God and live a life of purpose; however, we must be sure to take the time to actually seek him and enjoy the simple gifts he has given us. John Piper sums it up pretty well in this quote: “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.”
As I explained in my previous blog, less than a week after my arrival, security was tightened due to the military crackdown on the red shirts protests. Thus before I even had a chance to settle down and get somewhat accustomed to a new routine, I was put under house arrest….well, sort of. The UN takes strict security measures to ensure the safety of its staff. After being evacuated, we didn’t return to work for 10 days. Out of those days, we were restricted from going out of doors only 3 or 4 days. However, because public transportation was shut down and curfew imposed, it made it impossible to go anywhere outside my immediate neighborhood on the other days.
It was a long 10 days!! I did venture out every day when I was allowed, just to get some humid, polluted Bangkok air and not completely lose my sanity. A couple of times I got lunch with another intern who lives in the same complex and I talked to my friend, who lived much closer to the conflict, on the phone everyday for a few minutes just to make sure she was alive. One major benefit was that I had plenty of time to skype with family and friends. Other than that, I was pretty much dreadful. We were supposed to be “working from home”, but I had been in the office for only 3 days before the evacuation, so I didn’t know what I was doing and needed much guidance. Besides, I’ve already explained that I’m pretty much ignorant.
It was also a time of great uncertainty. My boss, Gerry, called almost every day for a quick check-up. I understood that if the conflict escaladed anymore, then there was a good chance that I would be sent home. The problem was, was that for about 5 days no one knew what was going to happen. It didn’t get better or worse. It was very nerve-racking and I just wanted something to happen; at some point, I didn’t even care what. I just wanted to either go back to work or be sent home.
I lead an extremely busy and structured life at home; I mean, I make plans to be spontaneous! So, I found myself on completely unknown territory not because I was in Bangkok amidst a political crisis, but because I had so much free time on my hands and no responsibilities to tend to.
There are different seasons in our lives for a reason. A few days into my forced isolation, I began to question why I don’t take advantage of this time and really enjoy it. Had I really grown so accustomed to structure that I couldn’t enjoy going with the flow? Why was it so important for me to always be busy and seemingly productive? Why not take available time to read novels, listen to music (I mean really listen to music) and study the Bible (not to mention spend hours on Facebook and skype)? This was a very strange phenomenon to me, but a lesson and time in my life that I really needed.
Thankfully, God knows our limits. And I’m sure he knew that I can’t enjoy a life of solitude and pleasure for more than 10 days. So, we finally returned to work and life began to resume to normal slowly, but surely.
During this time, however, I learned 2 important lessons that are interconnected. I began to gain a new appreciation for my time, family, friends, activities, classes, and work. Simultaneously, I better understood how crucial it was to have time off and really enjoy it. The two must really balance each other out; one without the other will ultimately result in a meaningless life. We must strive to serve God and live a life of purpose; however, we must be sure to take the time to actually seek him and enjoy the simple gifts he has given us. John Piper sums it up pretty well in this quote: “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.”
Friday, June 25, 2010
Democracy: Deliverance or Destruction?
I became a U.S. citizen in March. That’s right; after 15 years of living in the land of the free and home of the brave, I decided to become naturalized. It was actually a really tough decision, but very intentional. Anyways, we are taught that our flag waves for freedom and the statue of liberty represents democracy. From a young age we learn that the USA is the greatest nation and democracy is the best form of government.
I hope everyone realizes that each country has its mistakes, issues and major weaknesses, including America (simply put). I don't intend to crucify the US; no one forced me to become a citizen after all. However, the fight for freedom and democracy is so glorified and romanticized in our nation. I wouldn't have minded being the wife of "The Patriot", played by Mel Gibson, during the Revolutionary War...as long as I could have had Mel Gibson. But, real life doesn't really work that way; besides, there's only one Mel Gibson.
In mid-March of this year, thousands of protestors called the "red shirts" marched into Bangkok and set up a camp in the city's downtown business district. Their cause? Justice and democracy. A fight for freedom.
In a sense, it was very admirable and I sympathize with them greatly. The people of the north and northeast in Thailand are not only significantly poorer than the rest of the country, but they are usually ignored by the government and regarded as a lower class of citizens. They are often treated like blacks were before the Civil Rights Movement in the US.
When I arrived to Bangkok, I knew what was going on...sort of. I knew that there were some kind of protests happening and that about 20 people were killed and 80 injured by grenades tossed into the SkyTrain (that I would be taking everyday) in April. I consciously failed to mention all of this to my family and most friends. Since there was only a travel warning to Thailand and no restriction, I went anyways.
Because everything was so new to me that first week, it was difficult to differentiate what was out of the ordinary in the city. Soldiers stationed at the SkyTrain stations didn't seem odd. However, at the intersection where my office is located, the road was blocked off with tires, barbed wire and massive bamboo sticks. Something wasn't right there. This was a blockade that led into the protestors encampment. On my first day, I went to lunch to a nearby food court with my Aussie friend. We had to walk down the street through the protests. It's definitely not as exciting as it sounds...believe me. Only one lane was open for traffic on the road that normally has 3 lanes going in each direction. Tents were set up and many people were lying on the ground; large trucks were playing propaganda speeches over loud speakers. I discovered the hard way that bus station covers were turned into shower stalls when I happened to glance through the large gaps of one and see a naked man showering. Let's just say it wasn't Mel Gibson. It was absurd actually.
Thousands of people flooded into the capital and spent months camping out in the hot, humid and polluted city in order to have their voices heard. What is tragic is that many of them were used by power-thirsty politicians who have little regard for the rights and lives of these people. In early May, the government presented a roadmap for peace, an attempt for reconciliation with promises of an election. However, the leaders of the protestors rejected this plan because they demanded immunity for a corrupt leader. The nation was shocked. What was the protest all about after all? It became clear that the red shirts were divided and the leadership had mixed motives, many of which were not justice and democracy after all. Besides the strategic location of the protests, everything else seemed pointless to me. As I walked out if the protest camp that day, I began wondering how justice and democracy could actually be achieved through such ineffective attempts.
On day 4 of my internship, our office was evacuated. Soon after, public transportation was shut down and a curfew was imposed. The government came in with a military crackdown after repeated warnings to the protestors. Over 80 people were killed and nearly 1,500 injured. I saw pillars of smoke from my apartment as Central World, Southeast Asia's largest mall, was burning. Needless to say, the damage was astounding considering economic loss over the course of the 2 months, damage to dozens of buildings, and most tragically the loss of human life.
So, what now? Where's the glory? Thousands of people spend months on the streets in scorching heat, showering from hoses in make-shift stalls...only to be run off by the military without any promises of elections or reform. Not only were their lives disrupted for months, but they caused an enormous inconvenience to the capital. Just imagine thousands of people storming into Times Square, stopping traffic, closing businesses and camping out for 2 months. Who can blame the government for the crackdown? No other country would have tolerated such a demonstration.
There's no answer to my previous question. What now? Bangkok is relatively calm. I've been enjoying life since I've been released from house arrest and the curfew was lifted. Again, I'm very sympathetic to the red shirts' cause, but not their management. I think the government needs to take steps towards reconciliation, but I cannot blame them for the actions they took earlier.
It's such a difficult situation. What is democracy all about? This is not only about Thailand, but countless nations in the world. What is the cost of justice and human rights? Must human life be lost for human rights?
I don't want to end my blog this way, but I struggle with what to say next. In fact, this is my third attempt at a final paragraph. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for such tough questions. Apparently, nobody does since we're all still fighting. But, let us strive to be sensitive, compassionate, tolerant and proactive individuals, not to see everything from the lense of our Western upbringing. There's so much more in this world that we don't even begin to comprehend, so many angles that don't fit into our American understanding. Ignorance is only bliss for those who are not being affected. We have the responsibility to know, care and act. As many people, I often feel a heavy responsibility those in need. However, I remember that I don't answer to anyone except God. BUT, Jesus said that when we serve "the least of these" we are serving him. And this explains the burden on my heart. We have the OPPORTUNITY to know, care and act; and as a result, we carry the responsibility to do so. Perhaps the toughest question of all, one which is answerable, is what are we doing to make a difference?
I hope everyone realizes that each country has its mistakes, issues and major weaknesses, including America (simply put). I don't intend to crucify the US; no one forced me to become a citizen after all. However, the fight for freedom and democracy is so glorified and romanticized in our nation. I wouldn't have minded being the wife of "The Patriot", played by Mel Gibson, during the Revolutionary War...as long as I could have had Mel Gibson. But, real life doesn't really work that way; besides, there's only one Mel Gibson.
In mid-March of this year, thousands of protestors called the "red shirts" marched into Bangkok and set up a camp in the city's downtown business district. Their cause? Justice and democracy. A fight for freedom.
In a sense, it was very admirable and I sympathize with them greatly. The people of the north and northeast in Thailand are not only significantly poorer than the rest of the country, but they are usually ignored by the government and regarded as a lower class of citizens. They are often treated like blacks were before the Civil Rights Movement in the US.
When I arrived to Bangkok, I knew what was going on...sort of. I knew that there were some kind of protests happening and that about 20 people were killed and 80 injured by grenades tossed into the SkyTrain (that I would be taking everyday) in April. I consciously failed to mention all of this to my family and most friends. Since there was only a travel warning to Thailand and no restriction, I went anyways.
Because everything was so new to me that first week, it was difficult to differentiate what was out of the ordinary in the city. Soldiers stationed at the SkyTrain stations didn't seem odd. However, at the intersection where my office is located, the road was blocked off with tires, barbed wire and massive bamboo sticks. Something wasn't right there. This was a blockade that led into the protestors encampment. On my first day, I went to lunch to a nearby food court with my Aussie friend. We had to walk down the street through the protests. It's definitely not as exciting as it sounds...believe me. Only one lane was open for traffic on the road that normally has 3 lanes going in each direction. Tents were set up and many people were lying on the ground; large trucks were playing propaganda speeches over loud speakers. I discovered the hard way that bus station covers were turned into shower stalls when I happened to glance through the large gaps of one and see a naked man showering. Let's just say it wasn't Mel Gibson. It was absurd actually.
Thousands of people flooded into the capital and spent months camping out in the hot, humid and polluted city in order to have their voices heard. What is tragic is that many of them were used by power-thirsty politicians who have little regard for the rights and lives of these people. In early May, the government presented a roadmap for peace, an attempt for reconciliation with promises of an election. However, the leaders of the protestors rejected this plan because they demanded immunity for a corrupt leader. The nation was shocked. What was the protest all about after all? It became clear that the red shirts were divided and the leadership had mixed motives, many of which were not justice and democracy after all. Besides the strategic location of the protests, everything else seemed pointless to me. As I walked out if the protest camp that day, I began wondering how justice and democracy could actually be achieved through such ineffective attempts.
On day 4 of my internship, our office was evacuated. Soon after, public transportation was shut down and a curfew was imposed. The government came in with a military crackdown after repeated warnings to the protestors. Over 80 people were killed and nearly 1,500 injured. I saw pillars of smoke from my apartment as Central World, Southeast Asia's largest mall, was burning. Needless to say, the damage was astounding considering economic loss over the course of the 2 months, damage to dozens of buildings, and most tragically the loss of human life.
So, what now? Where's the glory? Thousands of people spend months on the streets in scorching heat, showering from hoses in make-shift stalls...only to be run off by the military without any promises of elections or reform. Not only were their lives disrupted for months, but they caused an enormous inconvenience to the capital. Just imagine thousands of people storming into Times Square, stopping traffic, closing businesses and camping out for 2 months. Who can blame the government for the crackdown? No other country would have tolerated such a demonstration.
There's no answer to my previous question. What now? Bangkok is relatively calm. I've been enjoying life since I've been released from house arrest and the curfew was lifted. Again, I'm very sympathetic to the red shirts' cause, but not their management. I think the government needs to take steps towards reconciliation, but I cannot blame them for the actions they took earlier.
It's such a difficult situation. What is democracy all about? This is not only about Thailand, but countless nations in the world. What is the cost of justice and human rights? Must human life be lost for human rights?
I don't want to end my blog this way, but I struggle with what to say next. In fact, this is my third attempt at a final paragraph. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for such tough questions. Apparently, nobody does since we're all still fighting. But, let us strive to be sensitive, compassionate, tolerant and proactive individuals, not to see everything from the lense of our Western upbringing. There's so much more in this world that we don't even begin to comprehend, so many angles that don't fit into our American understanding. Ignorance is only bliss for those who are not being affected. We have the responsibility to know, care and act. As many people, I often feel a heavy responsibility those in need. However, I remember that I don't answer to anyone except God. BUT, Jesus said that when we serve "the least of these" we are serving him. And this explains the burden on my heart. We have the OPPORTUNITY to know, care and act; and as a result, we carry the responsibility to do so. Perhaps the toughest question of all, one which is answerable, is what are we doing to make a difference?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Advertise My Identity
As most people close to me know, I cannot tan. My skin is not pale (clears throat); it is fair. Regardless of the adjective used to define my extreme whiteness, the truth is, is that I’m really white. When I get sunburn, I suffer with no consolation that it’ll turn into a tan…because it won’t. I’ll just go back to being white again. It’s a vicious cycle, I tell you! I’ve pretty much accepted my skin tone, came to the conclusion that I’ll never be tan, and am okay with the fact on most days.
Now, I currently live in Thailand. For those who know any Thai people or Southeast Asians, know that they have naturally darker skin. In other words, most people here have a natural, nice looking tan.
I was absolutely shocked by the advertisements here. Most of the people in commercials are young of course, but despite their Thai looking facial features, they have extremely white skin. Additionally, I see at least 15 commercials every day on my way to work on the SkyTrain and at least half of these are advertising sunblock brands. I was chatting about this with an Australian coworker of mine and he said that I should be careful when buying sunblock here, because most brands contain bleach in them. Really? Really!
After further reflection, I asked myself why I was so shocked. I’ve come from one culture obsessed with changing their skin tone in order to supposedly look better and fit the mold created by society… into another culture that does the same exact thing. Instead of adding bleach to our sunblock, there are countless tanning lotions, tanning salons, and the wipes that automatically darken your skin (guilty).
Why? Would we all live happily ever after if we had the desired skin tone, hair color, waist size, etc? Doubtful. Why are we so insecure in the way we look? I understand and agree with the fact that we need to be healthy and appear presentable in public, or whatever. But, what's up with tbe obsession to change who we are from the outside? Who or what are we striving to become?
True change and identity comes from within, from the inside out. Our identities are defined not by our appearance, but by our character, heart and mind. Have you every known someone who you didn't find attractive at first, but after getting to know that person, he/she became beautiful to you? That is the remarkable essence of character! Anyone can dye their hair, buy certain clothing and get a tan (except me perhaps). But, not everyone can sacrifice their time, show love and compassion, and possess a true understanding of people's needs.
Now, I currently live in Thailand. For those who know any Thai people or Southeast Asians, know that they have naturally darker skin. In other words, most people here have a natural, nice looking tan.
I was absolutely shocked by the advertisements here. Most of the people in commercials are young of course, but despite their Thai looking facial features, they have extremely white skin. Additionally, I see at least 15 commercials every day on my way to work on the SkyTrain and at least half of these are advertising sunblock brands. I was chatting about this with an Australian coworker of mine and he said that I should be careful when buying sunblock here, because most brands contain bleach in them. Really? Really!
After further reflection, I asked myself why I was so shocked. I’ve come from one culture obsessed with changing their skin tone in order to supposedly look better and fit the mold created by society… into another culture that does the same exact thing. Instead of adding bleach to our sunblock, there are countless tanning lotions, tanning salons, and the wipes that automatically darken your skin (guilty).
Why? Would we all live happily ever after if we had the desired skin tone, hair color, waist size, etc? Doubtful. Why are we so insecure in the way we look? I understand and agree with the fact that we need to be healthy and appear presentable in public, or whatever. But, what's up with tbe obsession to change who we are from the outside? Who or what are we striving to become?
True change and identity comes from within, from the inside out. Our identities are defined not by our appearance, but by our character, heart and mind. Have you every known someone who you didn't find attractive at first, but after getting to know that person, he/she became beautiful to you? That is the remarkable essence of character! Anyone can dye their hair, buy certain clothing and get a tan (except me perhaps). But, not everyone can sacrifice their time, show love and compassion, and possess a true understanding of people's needs.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The River Keeps Flowing
The night after realizing my ignorance and wanting to quit, I had a dream. In the dream, I found myself on a plane on my way back home. I walked into my house and was embraced by my family and friends. It felt so good to be home! After some time when I was alone in my room, I realized that my internship wasn’t over and I needed to be in Bangkok. I frantically ran out and told my parents that I had to urgently fly back. They tried to persuade that I stay at home because I was already there. But, I insisted that I needed to go back to Thailand. I wanted to go back.
In the morning I woke up in my Bangkok apartment, so relieved and glad that I was still there.
I gathered up any remaining confidence and set off to work. I stuck my head into Gerry’s office just to say good morning and asked politely how he was doing. He answered, “Every day is a good day; every breath is a good breath, because we’re living and breathing. You know, the river keeps flowing.” And that’s when I realized that life will move on despite how ignorant I was.
During the course of the morning, Gerry and I were talking about some assignments. We got off on a tangent and began to discuss things not directly relevant to work. It was then that I managed to shock him when I answered a question that he was convinced no one knew the answer to. (It was about history – the Ottoman Empire, actually – go figure, what else would I know?) Towards the end of the conversation, he said that he had to admit that he was glad I was here.
What?!? I became even more convinced that majoring in history was one of the best choices I’ve ever made.
Despite feeling like a million bucks for approximately 17 minutes, I was still lost and confused. However, I slowly began to differentiate between ignorance and incompetency. This became a crucial lesson for me, and I believe for others as well. So, I will share my discovery with you.
Ignorance is basically the lack of knowledge. I’m discovering that the more I learn, the more there is for me to know. There can be an excitement about ignorance, contained in the fact that we can learn, grow and explore new knowledge, facts and ideas. Incompetency, on the other hand, means lack of ability. I came to realize that just because I am ignorant in so many areas of life, this did not mean that I was incompetent to learn and grow.
Life is about a journey in which we are molded and changed. Although it felt so good to be in the comfort of my home in my dream, I still longed to be in Bangkok amidst challenges that would force me to stretch and grow. It was about much more than just my internship, but the entire experience including being on my own, relationships (or the attempt to build some), loneliness, identity and so much more.
Once I began to grasp the difference between ignorance and incompetence, I reviewed my situation once again. I was ignorant. I was not incompetent. Therefore, I could put forth a great effort to learn and acquire new knowledge.
That’s how life is. We have great challenges where everything seems impossible. And everything probably is impossible … on our own. But, the incredible thing is, is that God is not only competent in every way, but also knows everything. He can and will give us the courage, wisdom and ability to overcome our difficulties in order to mold us into a more perfect image of him. Life will continue. The river keeps flowing.
In the morning I woke up in my Bangkok apartment, so relieved and glad that I was still there.
I gathered up any remaining confidence and set off to work. I stuck my head into Gerry’s office just to say good morning and asked politely how he was doing. He answered, “Every day is a good day; every breath is a good breath, because we’re living and breathing. You know, the river keeps flowing.” And that’s when I realized that life will move on despite how ignorant I was.
During the course of the morning, Gerry and I were talking about some assignments. We got off on a tangent and began to discuss things not directly relevant to work. It was then that I managed to shock him when I answered a question that he was convinced no one knew the answer to. (It was about history – the Ottoman Empire, actually – go figure, what else would I know?) Towards the end of the conversation, he said that he had to admit that he was glad I was here.
What?!? I became even more convinced that majoring in history was one of the best choices I’ve ever made.
Despite feeling like a million bucks for approximately 17 minutes, I was still lost and confused. However, I slowly began to differentiate between ignorance and incompetency. This became a crucial lesson for me, and I believe for others as well. So, I will share my discovery with you.
Ignorance is basically the lack of knowledge. I’m discovering that the more I learn, the more there is for me to know. There can be an excitement about ignorance, contained in the fact that we can learn, grow and explore new knowledge, facts and ideas. Incompetency, on the other hand, means lack of ability. I came to realize that just because I am ignorant in so many areas of life, this did not mean that I was incompetent to learn and grow.
Life is about a journey in which we are molded and changed. Although it felt so good to be in the comfort of my home in my dream, I still longed to be in Bangkok amidst challenges that would force me to stretch and grow. It was about much more than just my internship, but the entire experience including being on my own, relationships (or the attempt to build some), loneliness, identity and so much more.
Once I began to grasp the difference between ignorance and incompetence, I reviewed my situation once again. I was ignorant. I was not incompetent. Therefore, I could put forth a great effort to learn and acquire new knowledge.
That’s how life is. We have great challenges where everything seems impossible. And everything probably is impossible … on our own. But, the incredible thing is, is that God is not only competent in every way, but also knows everything. He can and will give us the courage, wisdom and ability to overcome our difficulties in order to mold us into a more perfect image of him. Life will continue. The river keeps flowing.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Who Cares? Nobody, but My Mom
I arrived in Bangkok on Friday night, around midnight. I spent the weekend getting settled in and exploring the city a bit. My internship began on Monday. Now, I’ve mentioned previously that I knew very little about this position; which was actually being generous. One of my friends did this internship last year, so he told me a few things about it. All I knew is that I would have a boss who is impossible to describe and I would have to be very self-motivated at work. Period. That’s right; I know you’re thinking I’m crazy. And you’re probably right. I moved to Bangkok for a position that I knew nothing about. Outrageous.
Having been here for over a month now, I can say a few things about my internship. I have a boss who is impossible to describe and I have to be very self-motivated at work. No joke.
Since I like to attempt the impossible, I’m going to try to describe my boss and share some tough lessons I’ve learned through him. Gerry is incredible. He is Irish and immensely intense. He is the single most interesting person I have ever met in my life. He is the Head of the Programme Unit here at the regional office, which means that he makes sure the country offices have legit programs to keep their beneficiaries fed…I think. Gerry is actually sincerely concerned that there are approximately 1 billion people in the world that suffer from hunger. That’s why he does his job; a juicy paycheck is just a bonus, I’m sure.
The first week I was there, he threw several vague assignments at me. At that point, I knew very little about the UN World Food Programme, which made everything 100 times more difficult. Halfway through the week, we were having coffee and discussing work and the internship. He was explaining that his style of work is very intense and he likes to stretch people. He also explained that there were different types of people who have different working styles, and that there are different internships for different people. He finished by saying that this was a very intense and difficult internship.
I felt slapped in the face. Did he just politely state that he thinks I’m not tough enough for this internship? “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” I smiled with a sweet smirk at him.
I went back to my desk, looked at my work and had no idea what I was doing. I was completely lost to be honest. On top of moving to a city of 6.3 million people all by myself, not knowing anyone and starting an internship I knew nothing about, my boss considered me incompetent for the position. It sucked. Bad.
I’ve always been good at everything I did; not just good, but usually the best. My GPA has always been awesome; I was the valedictorian (of a grade D school). I’ve had good jobs with much responsibility. I’ve always been able to learn things quickly, figure stuff out, and come up with the most effective ways of accomplishing things. On top of all of this, I had awesome people skills. Man, I was IT! Or so I thought.
Within a few short days, I figured out that I am much more ignorant than knowledgeable. Worst of all was the fact that nobody cared about all of my previous accomplishments. Sure, my resume helped me get the internship, but it wasn’t going to get me through it. All of that no longer mattered. Nobody cared, but my mom. I would have to prove myself all over again. And I felt lonely, frustrated, vulnerable and scared. Did I mention it sucked?
An inflated bubble of pride popped loudly. It was a very much needed realization. I always try to battle my pride, but experiences such as these help end the war pretty quickly. The prideful casualty lay withering in the corner as I stared blankly at my vague assignments. My confidence and competency wavered significantly. I wanted to quit.
(To be continued in next blog...)
Having been here for over a month now, I can say a few things about my internship. I have a boss who is impossible to describe and I have to be very self-motivated at work. No joke.
Since I like to attempt the impossible, I’m going to try to describe my boss and share some tough lessons I’ve learned through him. Gerry is incredible. He is Irish and immensely intense. He is the single most interesting person I have ever met in my life. He is the Head of the Programme Unit here at the regional office, which means that he makes sure the country offices have legit programs to keep their beneficiaries fed…I think. Gerry is actually sincerely concerned that there are approximately 1 billion people in the world that suffer from hunger. That’s why he does his job; a juicy paycheck is just a bonus, I’m sure.
The first week I was there, he threw several vague assignments at me. At that point, I knew very little about the UN World Food Programme, which made everything 100 times more difficult. Halfway through the week, we were having coffee and discussing work and the internship. He was explaining that his style of work is very intense and he likes to stretch people. He also explained that there were different types of people who have different working styles, and that there are different internships for different people. He finished by saying that this was a very intense and difficult internship.
I felt slapped in the face. Did he just politely state that he thinks I’m not tough enough for this internship? “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” I smiled with a sweet smirk at him.
I went back to my desk, looked at my work and had no idea what I was doing. I was completely lost to be honest. On top of moving to a city of 6.3 million people all by myself, not knowing anyone and starting an internship I knew nothing about, my boss considered me incompetent for the position. It sucked. Bad.
I’ve always been good at everything I did; not just good, but usually the best. My GPA has always been awesome; I was the valedictorian (of a grade D school). I’ve had good jobs with much responsibility. I’ve always been able to learn things quickly, figure stuff out, and come up with the most effective ways of accomplishing things. On top of all of this, I had awesome people skills. Man, I was IT! Or so I thought.
Within a few short days, I figured out that I am much more ignorant than knowledgeable. Worst of all was the fact that nobody cared about all of my previous accomplishments. Sure, my resume helped me get the internship, but it wasn’t going to get me through it. All of that no longer mattered. Nobody cared, but my mom. I would have to prove myself all over again. And I felt lonely, frustrated, vulnerable and scared. Did I mention it sucked?
An inflated bubble of pride popped loudly. It was a very much needed realization. I always try to battle my pride, but experiences such as these help end the war pretty quickly. The prideful casualty lay withering in the corner as I stared blankly at my vague assignments. My confidence and competency wavered significantly. I wanted to quit.
(To be continued in next blog...)
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